Acquaintance Sexual Assault

Sexual assault is any form of sexual contact without voluntary consent, and acquaintance sexual assault is sexual assault where the survivor knows her/his perpetrator.

• The offending acquaintance may be someone the survivor hardly knows (e.g. a friend of a friend) or someone the survivor is close with (e.g. his or her partner.)

Acquaintance sexual assault is just as serious and harmful as all other forms of sexual assault, and it is similar to all other forms of sexual assault in that it is motivated by power and control, not sex.

There are varying methods by which perpetrators assert their attempts for power and control. In acquaintance sexual assaults coercion is one of the primary tools used to force sexual contact. In fact, coercion was used in 40% of the sexual assaults that were reported to the U of A Sexual Assault Centre in 1998; this is the same percentage as those sexual assaults where physical violence was used. Because coercion is a less clear form of violence, many dismiss it as less serious. Yet, verbal and emotional threat is just as damaging and controlling as physical threat. Coercion can take many different forms; the following are examples of coercion:

• Constantly putting pressure on someone
• Making someone feel guilty for not complying
• Threatening to withhold something or to do something to make someone comply
• Making false promises
• Being emotionally manipulative
• Using body position or physical size to imply threat

Reactions to Acquaintance Sexual Assault vary with the individual. Yet there are some common reactions which many survivors have. For instance, many survivors of acquaintance sexual assault blame themselves for their assault(s). This is a common reaction because often the perpetrator is someone who the survivor trusted, and thus, she/he may question why she/he trusted that person. In addition, in some cases the survivor was under the influence of alcohol or drugs at the time of the assault, and this can make the survivor feel that they are to blame because they chose to get drunk or stoned. Choosing to get drunk or stoned is not choosing to be sexually assaulted. Section 273.1 of the Criminal Code of Canada clearly states that one cannot consent to sexual activity if she/he is “blacked out, impaired by alcohol or narcotics, unconscious, [or] sleeping.”

Other common reactions are changes in everyday behaviours such as eating or sleeping. Some people react by eating more than usual and others decrease their food intake, even drastically. Some survivors start sleeping a lot more than before; while others are unable to sleep well at all. Still others find it difficult to sleep at certain times of the day or are not able to get out of bed in the morning. Instead of eating more or sleeping more, some use alcohol and drugs to numb the emotional pain they have from their assault.

It is also very common for a survivor to feel unsafe and afraid more often than before. This can affect how much they go out, whom they socialize with, if they go to work or school, and so on. Another reaction to sexual assault is feeling depressed and even going into a depression. This will not only affect how they feel, but it will affect their actions and their life choices.

Recovery from acquaintance sexual assault involves a complicated and multifaceted healing process. Some issues that a survivor may deal with during her/his recovery include:

• Safety: It is difficult to feel safe after the betrayal of an acquaintance sexual assault. If the assault was perpetrated by a stranger, the survivor could just dismiss all strangers as dangerous, but when the perpetrator is an acquaintance it makes the survivor feel that she/he cannot trust people close to her/him.
• Trust: In an acquaintance sexual assault the perpetrator abused the trust that the survivor gave him/her, and thus, it is normal for them to feel unsure about whom is worthy of their trust in the future. Thus, they may have a difficult time establishing new relationships, whether they are intimate ones or friendships in general.
• Sexual Intimacy: Survivors of sexual assault may experience problems with, or uneasiness about, sexual intimacy right after the assault or even years after. Two common adjustments that can be seen after an acquaintance sexual assault are:

Promiscuity

If sexuality has been devalued in the eyes of the survivor, or if the survivor tried to say “no” verbally or otherwise, and it did not matter, they may have learned not to say “no” in future sexual situations, and therefore, she/he may have an increased number of sexual partners in the period of time following the assault. In addition, the survivor may use future sexual experiences to regain a sense of control in her/his sex life.

Isolation

The survivor may withdraw from having any sexual relationships, and any opportunities toward establishing relationships. She/he may feel too frightened at the thought of an assault happening again. She/he may isolate herself/himself from social activities for fear of making a wrong decision. Survivors may feel that they can no longer trust her/his own judgments.

• Disclosure: It is hard to know whom to trust to tell about a sexual assault. Unfortunately, many people hold attitudes and beliefs about sexual assault that are misguided and potentially damaging to the survivor, and there is no guarantee that a person the survivor chooses to disclose to will be supportive. It is especially likely that they will not believe the survivor’s disclosure if they also know the perpetrator; many people are not willing to hear that people they trust could be dangerous. Instead of seeing the incident as a sexual assault, they may lay blame on the survivor. Since acquaintance sexual assault does not fit the stereotypical stranger sexual assault situation, many potential supporters have a difficult time seeing it as sexual assault. On the other hand, many people make wonderful supporters, as being a great support only involves listening to the survivor, believing what they say, and providing options for them but letting them make their own choices. When choosing who to disclose to it can be as simple as using intuition and choosing someone whom seems that she/he would be good to talk to.
• Defining the Experience: Our culture and our media portray almost all sexual assaults as stranger sexual assaults. Because of this, people often think of sexual assault as forced intercourse from a stranger. Survivors of sexual assault are not immune to this way of thinking, and thus, can sometimes neglect to define their own experience. The further their experience was from the stranger scenario, the harder it can be to define. For example, if the assault involved alcohol, was a partner or close friend, involved unwanted sexual touch and not forced intercourse, it could be more difficult to define the experience as acquaintance sexual assault, even though it definitely is. Not defining the sexual assault as such can cause further confusion in the survivor’s life because it leads her/him to feel as though she/he is “going crazy.” By not defining the experience, survivors often do not allow themselves the space they need to heal, and get frustrated when they are “not over it” already.
• Minimizing and Denial: Some survivors of sexual assault deny or minimize their experience by passing it off as “just a bad sexual experience.” Although this is a useful coping mechanism, in that it allows the survivor’s life to return to some kind of normalcy, denying the experience often leads to frustration later on when establishing new relationships, as issues of trust and safety often resurface.

From the University of Alberta Sexual Assault Centre

www.ualberta.ca/sac